Friday, November 6, 2009

Helicopter Parents

Helicopter Parents: Ya’ Gotta Love ‘Em
By Kristina E. Bergman
11-5-09

First, let’s define the term, Helicopter Parents as parents ‘who are omnipresent, super-involved and determined to achieve the best for their children’. Doesn’t sound too ominous, does it? Well, let’s continue with more of the definition as, ‘…and they will pursue that goal even if they have to write their offspring’s' job applications, iron their shirts before they go for an interview, and then drive them to work on their first day in the office’. For the children in the lower grades, they can be a teacher’s and administrator’s nightmare. Not only are they overprotective and pay close attention to their child’s every move, they always seem to tune into the negative aspects of their education, insisting that their child is the high achiever and didn’t deserve that low grade or should have received the lead in the school play regardless of who else was in the running. Also, if a discipline issue arises, they will be the first in your office arguing that their child would never have done the questionable deed and must have been influenced by some ne’er-do-well acquaintance at the school.
In retrospect, I myself was a Helicopter Parent to a certain extent. I have three sons, who seemed to always forget something, whether it was lunch money for the week, or leaving their band instrument at home, or missing the bus because they were in the bathroom too long and lost track of time. When they were much younger, and I was a stay-at-home mom, I did run that instrument to the school, find the missing notebook and take it the office, and even took them to school if they happened to oversleep and miss the bus. As they got older, I still continued to shuttle items to the school, but as I had started to substitute teach and work full time in the school system, the ability to get forgotten and misplaced items for my irresponsible boys became nil. To a certain extent, they became more independent and responsible for themselves, but the pattern of behavior had been set. To this day, they still try to get me to do certain things for them, but I remind them that they need to be more responsible for themselves and their behavior and face the consequences of actions or non-action, whatever it may be. Therefore, children need to become independent thinkers and learn on their own, even if they have to fall on their faces periodically to make them realize they are responsible for their own actions and there is not necessarily a failsafe to save them from themselves.
Fortunately, there are some pros to the Helicopter Parent stigma. Those parents tend to keep their kids in line and constantly make them accountable for grades through the use of on-line grade portals, such as K-12 Planet and OnCourse. They can also back you up in regards to behavior issues. For example, if a student has an issue in the classroom with a teacher, some Helicopter Parents will side with you and get the issue resolved quickly, dealing out their own punishment, as well as a school detention. Some Helicopter Parents, if you get enough of them on board with a school wide issue, can possibly sway the decision in the school’s favor by helping to change the Board’s decision. Another positive aspect of Helicopter Parenting is found in a quote from reporter Don Aucoin of the Boston Globe. He writes: “Moreover, they say, with the economy in a deep swoon, helicopter parents may have a vital role to play as career counselors or even as providers of financial aid to their offspring.” I myself have been counseling my middle son as to what career path he would like to follow. Being a teacher, I planted a seed of interest in him and showed him, by example and discussion, the benefits of choosing such a career. He is currently in his second year at Salem Community College as a Mathematics/Education major, and plans to continue his studies at Rowan University next fall. He is even contemplating doing a double major including Physics as a course of study as well. He could not have accomplished what he has so far financially without the aid assistance benefit from the NJ Stars program and my income tax information.
As students get older and become adults, they should become more responsible for themselves. If they are always being bailed out by parents, how are they to survive in this global economy and make it in the world on their own? The responsibility does become the parents’ to teach these students how to make it on their own by giving them opportunities to do just that. Show them how to write checks, balance a checking account, open a savings account, and be an example of good work ethics. Encourage them to open a credit account and, in the beginning, guide them on how to pay early and establish a good credit rating. If they miss a payment, it is on them to pay it and be responsible for their account. When in trouble with the law, the student should face the consequences, pay the fine, and go to court. The parent should not be bailing them out or arguing in court on their behalf; that is what lawyers are for. If the student is an adult, he should act like an adult and not lean on his/her parent to ‘save’ them.
While researching Helicopter Parents, I found Fresher’s Guide for parents of College/University age students. It is pretty cut and dried, but great advice.
Fresher’s Guide
How not to be a helicopter parent when you have university-age children:
1) After settling your children into university, don't reappear until the end of term, except in emergencies.
2) Don't try to steer them towards particular careers. Be there to advise, but no more.
3) Think twice before accompanying your children to careers fairs. The jobs market is one in which they must learn to shop for themselves.
4) Under no circumstances contact prospective employers of your children directly to negotiate salaries. Such interference will be resented.
5) Don't get drawn into acting as a chauffeur, sock-washer, bank manager or short-order chef for your children once they have passed the age of 18. You may get appreciation in the short term, but you risk infantilizing them.
6) Greet each new boyfriend/girlfriend with an insouciant shrug. In love, as in all else, let your children make their own mistakes.




Sources:
Belkin, Lisa. "The Way We Live Now: Let the Kid Be." Motherlode Blog. The Times Magazine, 29 May 2009. Web. 8 Oct. 2009. .

Belkin, Lisa. "In Defense of Helicopter Parents." Motherlode Blog. The Times Magazine, 4 May 2009. Web. 8 Oct. 2009. .

Flores, Emilio. "Helicopter parents? Eew!" Opinion L.A. Los Angeles Times, 2 Sept. 2009. Web. 8 Oct. 2009. http://opinion.latimes.com/opinionla/2009/09/helicopter-parents-eew.html
My personal experiences

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